[ "Enjoy the Silence" - Depeche Mode ]
i can't sleep, so i'm going to share some stuff that's keeping me awake and hopefully i'll get some feedback.
-does G-d have one person for every person, or is it a matter of pairing based on desire for Him and compatibility?
(for what it's worth, i don't think there is one person; i'm generally not an adherent to the whole pre-ordination concept. plus there's a couple mathematical issues if you work things out in terms of likely matches to chances of meeting them, etc. etc.)
-is it wrong for woman to break the taboo of pursuit and do the pursuing themselves (even a little)? even in spite of fear?
(nah, why the hell not? the book of Ruth is a pretty big testament to pursuit of a husband in spite of your own personal fears; naomi encouraged ruth to seek boaz's heart- granted, this was partly due to security/lineage/heritage reasons, but i refuse to believe that's the only nor the main reason... ruth was, however, probably pissing her pants at this. sadly the book does not tell us much of what was on her heart, but let me paint the picture for you: she could lose the only source of livelihood she had for herself and naomi and risk literally everything she had upon asking boaz to be her kinsman-redeemer. boaz was in awe of her grace and love of Hashem, however, and of course consented to her request.)
-wtf am i going to do with my life? wtf is going on in it now?
-why can't i really just let go? is it because i'm not supposed to? furthermore, why do i feel a sense of conviction for DESIRING to let it go?
-really glad i'm not as hooked on kreteks as i thought; i haven't had one for something like four days and i don't THINK i'm ornery or anything so that's a good sign.
-reeeally need to clean my apartment. like whoa.
-need to get more lightbulbs.
-should i even bother making a new portfolio? submitting any work to UD again? who knows
-insomnia sucks
-G-d is so good, and i am weak and wicked.
-glad that people like the "bomb jackets" i make (as hannah calls them)
-chunks of flesh falling off your fingertips == not fun
-itchy fingertips == not fun
-at least my dr. bronners soaps came!
-should really try to get to sleep while i feel sleepy... finally.
goodnight.
pray for anyone you know with insomnia/overactive minds. having no "off" switch bites super hard sometimes.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
I don't think there is ONE person for every person. I would like to think that there is at LEAST one for every person, but at the same time I feel some people need to be single (be it if they desire to be, or maybe if they don't, sadly). Everything is in the choices that we make. Things could seriously occur as signs and as God's will for a couple to really come together and be meant for one another, but because of the fact that even Abraham remarried after his long-time wife Sarah died, and that he even had many more children with his second wife, makes me think that there is not just ONE person for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI'd honestly would hope that there is NO ONE else for Rob if I were to die. I never want him to be with anyone but me even after death. So there are all these thought processes but basically from a Biblical sense, there are the scriptures that speak that once your spouse dies the bond is broken and you are able to remarry, right?
I think that there COULD be someone out there for everyone, but depending on how we decide to do things along the way there is a possibility that person may never be found or because of thoughts within an individual there could be a chance you miss out on the person that was meant for you but never gets a chance to find them or reconnect to them once you break the relationship. so i tend to think of all the enless possibilities haha.
Not really getting some of the "what am I supposed to do with my life"? and understanding what you mean by "desire" either.
p.s. sorry this is Victoria. I didn't feel like signing into the other account to comment.
ReplyDeletethe "electroblood" tipped me off ;) hehe, i knew it was you.
ReplyDeletei think i pretty much (as usual!) agree with all of your points.
the "supposed to do with my life" bit is just in general. i feel kind of whirlwinded and under spiritual attack; within the past two or three days, it's all gotten so dark and cloudy and miserable. there's been no affirmations- mostly of the contrary, really- and it's seeding doubt and really eating at my faith. and i know it ought't, but it's hard to trust something when everything else points opposite of it.
as for the desire bit, that's like- directly related to the paragraph above. i want to just let the whole thing go and abandon it but i just- can't. i feel as if i am doing something wrong or selfish if i just try to let it go. i can't go into much more publicly, i'm afraid, but that's pretty much where i'm at:
1. want to let it go
2. heart refuses because of what's been spoken to it
3. but no affirmations of it, really, so
4. (see #1)
and it's just an endless loop. hehe.
pray for me, if you don't mind, victoria<3
:: nods :: surely.
ReplyDeleteI'll just say that as far as there being someone for everyone, I kinda would repeat what my wife said except I either believe the Lord ordains couples to find each other (maybe only certain people) or he just leaves it up to us altogether. I believe he put all of our life experiences in place so S'aya and I would find eachother. There were so many things that could have been different that would have kept us from finding out about the other person. As far as there being only one person, I know that I love S'aya more than I'd ever love anyone else, but if she were to leave me behind in this life I can't say I wouldn't ever fall in love with anyone else. Granted it might not really be love but just an attempt to fill the huge void my life would have without her and therefor hurting whoever I was using to perform that task . . .
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think if He were to make someone for someone else then he would make sure they got together, or he's just leave it to us, but I don't believe He'd bless something and then leave it to worldly chance for those two to discover each other, or end up on opposite sides of the world and never meeting.
As far as everything else, I know what you mean, and I'm praying for you too.
if you haven't picked it up rob calls me Sihaya or S'aya for short - from the dune books of course.
ReplyDeletei think the only reason i'd remarry if rob died would be for our sons to be taken cared of financially. it is hard to imagine falling in love again and finding someone who not only agrees spiritually with me on things, but politically, our interests, etc. . . that would be tough! i'd feel badly for the bloke i'd find to have to accept that i wouldnt love them as much as i love rob.