compendium of a forgiven son

delta

2009-02-09T01:43:00.004-05:00

delta

the curling tendrils of dawn wrap around my throat- choking me and caressing my face, whispering to me "boy, the morning is so lovely, won't you wait for us? won't you stay up with us and smile as the sun cleaves the horizon?" and i am a sucker for sweet talk so i do not resist. i fight the dichotomies of living alone without being alone or sleeping without falling asleep or spending time in the waking hours without growing lonely, and my mind in the blackening hours of unconsciousness turns to the archives of what has happened over and over again.

and i cannot help but wonder what she is doing tonight or how much she is drinking as of late and who she is fucking like she fucked me over. i am wondering where she will bury her dead and if she will mourn and weep the tears from watering cans or if she will take firm root in the dirged dirt and wither over and die in the hands of her dead, dark, diseased shadow.

and i wonder why the train tracks came to such an abrupt halt, the rusted wheels grinding to a still and when the heavens parted and i saw clearly. and then i come to find it was little more than pretty words on paper like my birth certificate or high school diploma- ripped open and sucked dry by vampire promises and peace treaties. and morning horrors like the midnight moors of zombie-eyed reading and humming alone, and smoking at three am alone, and jabbing my finger with a needle to keep away from sleep

because sleep is the enemy; it will cradle you and sing to you and rock you softly- and will spit you into waking hours of an empty bed and empty room and empty life with a porch you smoke alone on at three am and a needle you prick your thumb with to know you're still awake and a flask full of bourbon for emergencies only and the molehills of laundry and the mountains of books and the gentle hum of the empty fridge singing the praises of the night, the liturgy of sleeploss in the hours of the death of the love that never was.

quick update

2009-02-01T14:34:00.003-05:00

getting over my sickness. i think i'm there! i'm still coughing up some stuff (ew) but i feel better. now i can get back to sewing and blogging important and worthwhile things, hehe.

i talked with my boss, let him know i'll be moving to nola in a year-ish and he's totally cool with me telecommuting. that is AWESOME! not only will i have a job when i get down there (i just need internet access and i'm good, hehe) and be able to bring money into the House, but i'll be able to work actually FROM the House so someone can be there during the day and stuff in case we get daytime visitors and a homeless citizen wants to stop by for lunch or conversation or what have you (assuming there's internet at the House). still not sure what nik has in mind for the House but it'd be great if it had a rather open-door policy of sorts with people on vigil, available for prayer, etc. this is like, a double-blessing that's just plain awesome.

i've been sleeping okay too. i mean i've been getting to bed kinda late (what ELSE is new?) but baruch Hashem i'm really just absorbing all the sleep i get and i feel pretty good.

G-d is so good. SO GOOD!

"and the telephone wires that carry the sound stretch 'cross the sky and under the ground"

2009-01-25T19:09:00.003-05:00

[ "Telephone Wires" - Mirah ]

AHHHH BARUCH HASHEM! GOOD NEWS!
(jeez. no wonder i never finish the blog entries i want to write; i keep blogging other things. hehe. yay procrastination!)

nik just called me (well, she actually called me a bit earlier but i missed the call because i was outside.. called her back, left a voicemail, then she called me back. hehe) with some AWESOME news.

someone in TN had his heart spoken to about a community house in new orleans and he googled and the first hit was her blog- specifically, this entry (which, as you can see, was only posted on the 23rd!) and they got in touch and it looks like he's gonna be there too! he's got some experience with community living too (10-16 people in his house), so it'd be AWESOME to have that sort of wisdom and experience in the House. she was invited to the place he's at now and is gonna get some info on starting, maintaining, etc.

it's just really great affirmation and a blessing! it's so beautiful to see it coming together. this has been on her heart for a while and (as my mom mentioned to me when i said i was called to NOLA and will be moving there, and eem yirtze Hashem involved with/living in this community) something that i was "born to do" (it's pretty weird to hear your own mom say that about something that most of the world would consider crazy and a dead-end, but G-d is good. if the world doesn't think you're crazy, you're probably not radical enough- never hold back!) so this is just turning into this huge.. Nexus of Blessing.

we are a karass, and we are discovering our wampeter.
busy, busy, busy... [1]

words cannot convey the beauty of this. i feel as if i'm standing in the hatch to a space shuttle, about to step onto the moon. there is wonderment, awe, excitement, a feeling of cohesiveness... all so new and fresh and beautiful.

it's also a bit scary, but who needs the wrang-wrang's foma?

walk in peace, brothers, sisters, and friends alike.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bokononism if you've not read Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle, DO SO NOW. bokononism is a made-up religion for his book, but it has some great terminology- especially for things that are happening in my life and in the lives of those around me as of late

"there was a child who was born to be the one who comforts me; who grew up strong and brave and holy, loves me rough and tenderly"

2009-01-25T15:32:00.004-05:00

[ "Promise to Me" - Mirah ]

mmmm. such a good song.

so i'm still working on a pretty big entry on prayer.. i've been under the weather as of late (i rarely ever get sick- literally, maybe once a year but when i do it really tends to kick my ass).
but baruch Hashem! glory be, i'm getting better. slowly, but surely. (i usually opt for a natural-heal route- you obviously need to be more patient but i believe it's worth it)

was pretty shaken up yesterday. one of the clients (can't release names or domain urls or anything in case it gets taken to court. doubtful, since there's not a lot of legal evidence- see below) got suspended because we got a notice from our colo/datacenter (off-site server farm, has better cooling/humidity control/etc. for storing the hardware) about child porn. the thing's still under internal investigation so i can't say a WHOLE lot.

so anyways, i have to follow up with these notices- check them over, make sure they're valid, etc. and i've read the laws on it- no sexual acts depicted, no nudity (characterized in the legal sense as display of gentialia- and breasts, too, i think). and then the standard stuff- no bestiality, etc.

well, these photos weren't porn in the legal sense- but trust me. they were porn. when there's a photo of a girl ("models" the website calls them) OBVIOUSLY under 18 (without QUESTION. and i usually think people are older than they really are) dressed in skimpy/revealing clothing, reclining seductively and acting coy, and this site sells mysterious DVD's... yep, to me that's child porn. hi, exploitation.

so as of now he's still suspended (meaning the server is shut down and locked, and the websites don't work) and pending review by upstream. i think at the LEAST he'll get booted because we've had numerous issues with him over the years. so even though he won't get taken to court (see now why i have no faith in our judicial system?) or anything, we'll probably at least drop him.

i hope so; i really want to have no part in contributing to that.

please pray for:
-the girls: that they have healing and seek more fulfilling and less dangerous pursuits for fulfilling the desire to be loved
-their families: that they learn of what's going on and pursue legal action (since the girls are minors, it'd be VERY easy to make this a civil case and win it instead of make it a federal/state case and lose it), and they heal
-me: i don't ever want to have to be confronted with something like that again, ever. it's like watching someone get shot in the face; i literally felt ill. peace has come to me since, but that doesn't mean i'm "over" it or want to have to confront it again.
-the company: that we act responsibly and can his ass. at the very least lock his account and ban him.
-him: we are called to forgive, no matter what. while i think it's horrible what he did/does, that doesn't mean i don't want him (and HIS "clientele") to be healed of their darkness. please pray He's shown truth and has his heart softened to what he's doing to these girls and their families.

thank you all; Y'shua bless you.

unfinished

2009-01-23T23:16:00.007-05:00

when the impulse of silence
has grabbed you and held you in rote
and all the little raindrops
are drilling in your insight

will you see the chronicle of
the angry hand of jealousy;
the sand of your smile
black and roughly messy!

but there's never too far
a little outcrop
of tall-standing crabgrass
and the smell of fresh cob.

the dancing dragonflies
with baked apples and cinnamon
and newly caught cat-o'-nine tails
and tables laced with lumination-

NOTES: i almost never rhyme, ever. despite it, mostly. but there's this artist, Joanna Newsom, whom is absolutely stunning and breathtaking not only with her music (and absurd yet charming voice), but with her lyrics as well. listen and read along and be prepared to be amazed.) and she simply inspires me to write silly things (that rhyme).

i will never finish this. that's the whole point of stream-of-consciousness i suppose. hehe

"sing me to sleep; i don't want to wake up on my own anymore"

2009-01-23T15:32:00.000-05:00

[ "Asleep" - the Smiths ]

been sleeping all sorts of strangely lately. i'll sleep fine, normal-people hours one night- like, 2300-0700 or so- and then the next i'll sleep from 0500-1300 or something.

however, lately i think the odd hours are attributed to my having some sort of bug (coughing a lot, head/sinus pressure, stuffy nose, no fever or anything though), which is keeping me up all night. plus my mind's been buzzing around a fair bit and my heart is not at total peace so that's probably part of it.

there are some days for me (how about you?) where i just want to give up. i just want to stay in bed and sort of melt into a quiet nonexistance, a sort of passive state of being.

buddhism would call it nirvana.
i call it a bunch of lazy bullshit.

we are not called to be creatures of comfort, of nothingness, of passive being! we are called to be active in the lives of others. we are called to be defenders of love, truth, peace, the weak, the downtrodden, the ugly, the scorned, the hated... we are called to love the haters, the oppressors, the sinners in spite of their sins for Christ did the same for us.

so that's why i'm taking the time to update- because i can't let my feeling miserable get in the way of sharing the love i have been given by my L-rd G-d and saviour Y'shua Moshiach. so i have some more writing to do. :)

"there's nothing like living in a bottle"

2009-01-19T14:33:00.003-05:00

[ "Lived in Bars" - Cat Power ]

ALLELUIAH. [1]
G-d is good.

i'm getting a bit concerned; i noticed that over the holidays i've lost a lot of weight. like, 10-15 lbs. my beer gut is GONE. i'm not husky or anything anymore (i'm not SKINNY per se either, but i look healthy). i don't think it's normal to drop that amount of weight so quickly and especially over the holidays. right?

it was snowing pretty intensely today. had to leave work kinda early to make sure i'd make it home. which was.. kind of pointless since it's slow as all else.

i was pretty tired last night but still couldn't quite fall asleep. i feel as if writing is really helping though.

i still need to do that post on prayer, and i have a couple other posts i want to write as well.

and ephesians 4 for whatever reason has been on my heart, so i'll be blogging about that.

but not right now; i need to catch up on sleep first. and that won't happen for a day or two since i have this party thinger tomorrow night.

[1] "hallelujah" (and the according deviations) isn't an exclamation, it's a request. it means "tell me something good about G-d", basically. you learn all sorts of awesome and neat things at a liberal biblical university like Eastern U; each new and shocking thing i learned was like a sweet kiss on the cheek from Hashem. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hallelujah for more info)

aftermath

2009-01-19T02:11:00.000-05:00

aftermath

i didn't actually get
to sleep until about 6
in the morning, or so-
rocks were tumbling in my head
and my bed was
not enticing in the very least.

the television served for enough distraction
for about three hours
and then i tried sewing
but something about the repetitive
puncture and pull,
puncture
and
pull
of the needle,
striking and pricking
my fingertips
seemed all-too-familiar
and i started
tumbling rocks again
so i could not focus on sewing any longer.

so i tried writing
and sat down
but the words
look so foreign written down
and so dead, lifeless,
and devoid of all care-
vampire caterpillars crawling
across the screen,
and i was starting to get cold anyways.

so

i tried to
drink myself to sleep,
but i only succeeded
in making my face numb
and my eyes glassy.

so i'm embracing the late hours
and writing a letter.

"sew your fortunes on a string and hold them up to light"

2009-01-18T04:11:00.003-05:00

[ "Metal Heart" - Cat Power ]
(if you click on the title, you'll be able to hear it on a youtube collage of Cat Power images. the Moon Pix version is far superior to the Jukebox version)

every once in a while (or perhaps more often, i suppose it depends on how much music you listen to) you find a piece that really speaks volumes as to how you're feeling.

i normally hate trying to substitute actual content with content other people have written simply for the sake of pumping another entry out there, but this takes special mention. it speaks to the feeling of confusion, of doubt and uncertainty, of frustration, and how sometimes the struggles of someone- be it fear, trust, anything- can carry over into the life of another and cause strange idiosyncracies in that person's life, and of my desire to seek out the change that G-d wants. chan marshall is, to my utmost knowledge, not a believer but i still can identify with the desire to seek after and move towards changes that G-d wants.

plus it's just plain darn catchy.

"Metal Heart"
Cat Power

losing the star without a sky,
losing the reasons why.
you're losing the calling that you've been faking
and i'm not kidding.

it's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do;
be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad, sad zoo.
oh, hidey hidey hidey,
whatcha tryin' to prove?
by hidey, hidy, hiding
you're not worth a thing.

sew your fortunes on a string
and hold them up to light.
blue smoke will take
a very violent flight
and you will be changed
and everything,
and you will be in a very sad, sad zoo.

i once was lost but now i'm found;
was blind but now i see you.
how selfish of you to believe
in the meaning of all the bad dreaming.

metal heart, you're not hiding;
metal heart, you're not worth a thing.
metal heart, you're not hiding;
metal heart, you're not worth a thing.

in other news, my insomnia's back with a vengeance (obviously, since i'm writing this pretty darn early in the morning). my car's been giving me issues- i think i have a burst pipe somewhere in the cooling line. lots of other little stuff that's bugging me.

but G-d is so good.
SO
GOOD.

will you be my friend?

"words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm"

2009-01-17T03:19:00.006-05:00

[ "Enjoy the Silence" - Depeche Mode ]

i can't sleep, so i'm going to share some stuff that's keeping me awake and hopefully i'll get some feedback.

-does G-d have one person for every person, or is it a matter of pairing based on desire for Him and compatibility?
(for what it's worth, i don't think there is one person; i'm generally not an adherent to the whole pre-ordination concept. plus there's a couple mathematical issues if you work things out in terms of likely matches to chances of meeting them, etc. etc.)

-is it wrong for woman to break the taboo of pursuit and do the pursuing themselves (even a little)? even in spite of fear?
(nah, why the hell not? the book of Ruth is a pretty big testament to pursuit of a husband in spite of your own personal fears; naomi encouraged ruth to seek boaz's heart- granted, this was partly due to security/lineage/heritage reasons, but i refuse to believe that's the only nor the main reason... ruth was, however, probably pissing her pants at this. sadly the book does not tell us much of what was on her heart, but let me paint the picture for you: she could lose the only source of livelihood she had for herself and naomi and risk literally everything she had upon asking boaz to be her kinsman-redeemer. boaz was in awe of her grace and love of Hashem, however, and of course consented to her request.)

-wtf am i going to do with my life? wtf is going on in it now?

-why can't i really just let go? is it because i'm not supposed to? furthermore, why do i feel a sense of conviction for DESIRING to let it go?

-really glad i'm not as hooked on kreteks as i thought; i haven't had one for something like four days and i don't THINK i'm ornery or anything so that's a good sign.

-reeeally need to clean my apartment. like whoa.

-need to get more lightbulbs.

-should i even bother making a new portfolio? submitting any work to UD again? who knows

-insomnia sucks

-G-d is so good, and i am weak and wicked.

-glad that people like the "bomb jackets" i make (as hannah calls them)

-chunks of flesh falling off your fingertips == not fun

-itchy fingertips == not fun

-at least my dr. bronners soaps came!

-should really try to get to sleep while i feel sleepy... finally.

goodnight.

pray for anyone you know with insomnia/overactive minds. having no "off" switch bites super hard sometimes.

dirty pockets

2009-01-16T16:23:00.000-05:00

dirty pockets

i am the
rock you find
at the bottom of shallow creeks,
slick with slime
and algae.

i can
be used just fine as a paperweight,
and i can skip
across the water
really well-
leaving ripples with each step

or i can make a nice coffee table
conversation piece,
or a good luck charm.

but the problem
with being a rock
at the bottom of shallow creeks,
slick with
slime and algae
is that people don't bother
to scrape off the algae and
let you dry out

because who would
ruin a pair of pants
for a rock
at the bottom of a shallow creek,
slick with
slime and algae?

i don't know either,
but that's
the kind of person
i want to take me home.

roadtrip

2009-01-16T02:53:00.006-05:00

roadtrip

we have been
talking in circles
like
a long roadtrip-
and sometimes the car sputters
and sometimes the speed limit isn't posted
so we can go as fast as we want.
but eventually
we have to come home,
even if
home is somewhere we found.

and there are forks in the roads
and the map isn't very useful
since either you spilled your coffee
or i spilled my tea
onto it
(but it was
probably
the combination of the two).

and sometimes
i want to just toss you the keys
and leave- and
start hitchhiking back
to my little apartment
in the suburbs with
the garden right outside my bedroom window
and the painted iron lattice work on my porch
and i figure that
you can finish the trip yourself or
pick up some hitchhiker if you
need someone else to drive while you sleep
but then i realise that
we both rented the car,
so it's probably better if we both drove it at least.

and sometimes i feel
as if you'll leave me at
the motel one night
and drive away
in the middle of the night
(probably because i
was snoring,
or because there was someone who
would make a
better roadtrip partner
than i would that you met while you were getting ice
from the noisy, chilly,
leaking bohemoth of an ice machine).
and i'd wake up-
or worse, run to the balcony and see you
drive off, the
brake lights red in the twilight.
you'd probably leave a note,
but
it would still suck
because i'd at least want a fair chance
and i'd still have to call a taxi to get back
to my little apartment
in the suburbs with
the garden right outside my bedroom window
and the painted iron lattice work on my porch
and it would suck if
you got a flat.

and still other sometimes
i wonder
if we'd drive off
into the unknown wilds
and discover new things like
what your favourite colour was
(you never know,
it might be the colour of the sunset
across the window rock, az desert)
or my favourite ice cream flavour
(i think it's vanilla right now, but
for all i know it could be
something erotic, like "guava"
but only from an ice cream store in the middle
of chicago).

and sometimes
i just wish
i could just pack up
and
go
with the car idling
in the driveway
and you honking the horn,
in front of my little apartment
in the suburbs with
the garden right outside my bedroom window
and the painted iron lattice work on my porch with
the brake lights
red
in the twilight.

chew your food before swallowing

2009-01-13T03:29:00.000-05:00

CHEW YOUR FOOD BEFORE SWALLOWING!
or
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bible

scripture is a really fantastic thing. every time i pick up my Bible (or browse to biblegateway.com, depending on the translation i want and whether i left my Bible out in my car, hehe), i'm continually renewed, amazed, broken, moulded.

but when you read scripture, do you take the time to break it down into little pieces, try to really chew it well until it's just a puree inside your metaphorical mouth? roll it around on your tongue like smoke from a fine cigar or pipe, savor the rich flavour as you would a whiskey or wine?

i really hope so; i really, really do! it's how it was meant to be read. if not, let's change that now!

G-d speaks to everyone a little (or maybe even a lot!) differently, i think. but here's the basic process for how i personally go about breaking scripture down and how i try to draw the full flavour of it.

we'll be using Colossians 3, NIV unless otherwise noted.

read it over
sectionalize
context
comparison to general gospel/rest of Bible
relation to my/others life/lives
changes that would need to be necessary
rinse, repeat

READ IT OVER

at this stage we just want to give an initial read over the selection. don't worry about trying to think about it- we want to focus on initial reactions, interesting things that stick out to you (i've had some prophecies revealed to my heart this way). let it speak to your heart and put your mind on the backburner for now. this helps you get a general feeling of what it's about, for whom it's written, and really just a "feel" for it.

when i read over Col. 3, i get the general message of the word "unite".

SECTIONALIZE/CONTEXT/COMPARISON/ETC.

(okay. i cheated a bit. steps 2-6/7 are really seamless, as they really occur simultaneously. but they roughly occur in the procedure mentioned above. i suppose i really could have made the list only two items, but is that really a list? we'll leave that koan[1] for another day.)

luckily, this is usually done for you already through the in-chapter sections and paragraph breaks instead of trying to determine where to form a section yourself.

in this example, we see two sections with headers in bold: Rules for Holy Living and Rules for Christian Households.

we also notice several paragraph breaks under each of these.

"1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. "

verses 1-4 deals with a summary message, which is common. it's telling us to rejoice in the newfound life in Christ, and to abandon our old "lives"- the thin veil of self-deception that we are masters of our own lives, that there aren't consequences, that we are not incredibly intertwined with others and calls us to realise that EVERYTHING we do affects the lives of others, even if we think it doesn't and we aren't hurting anyone else.

"5Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all."

verses 5-11 give an interesting perspective. it's the message of equality. (hmm.. odd, there it is- unity! one of unity's hurdles is inequality). under Christ, we are all equal. the thief, the rapist, the priest, the hermit, the seven-year-old girl. (buddhists will instantly recognise this as Oneness). unlike the teachings of the buddha and bodhisattvas, however, we have something we are all truly equal UNDER- Christ. by the love of Hashem, we are bound together as children in a huge family.[2] MORE than just a family, we are a BODY! we all have different abilities (the eyes can see ahead and watch out for danger or direction, the skeleton supports and protects, the mouth serves to communicate to others, the fingers mould and touch and feel, the feet carry, etc.) and yet all these parts must work WITH each other. not only with, but integrally- the feet will stumble and trip and stub their toes if not for the eyes, who know what direction to take based upon the sensations of the fingers, who depend on the mouth who speaks for them, who needs the skeleton to give it proper shape of voice and tonation, etc. if one of these parts is missing, then there is more strain and even flat-out limitation put on the other parts of the body. verses 3-11 call us to be pure in Y'shua Moshiach, in order to keep our Body healthy (does it show that i'm a firm believer of holistic health, and "interconnectedness" of things?). if your stomach is empty, your mind suffers. in this way, if one part of the Body is in pain or hindered, even- Chas veShalom[3]!- by another part of the own Body by "illness" (malice, lust, greed, etc.), then the rest of the Body suffers- including the offending part, since it depends on the rest of the Body (even if it does not want to).

"12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

AHA! aaaaand boom goes the dynamite. THERE'S THE WORD! "unity."
this is, if you will, the "prescription for vitamins"- this is what keeps the Body strong, healthy, happy, and working in excellent shape. and Love is, if you will, echinacea- it is a source of overall health and what helps the entire Body, and binds it together (thusly pushing it towards unity).

"15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

it's funny. when i read over the chapter in that first step, it was a skim- i flat out skipped some words. but somehow both "unity" and the concept of the Body came to my mind, AND here they are, showing up in the actual content. mild prophecy, subconscious absorption, memory from sermons past.. it doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that it is put on my heart. and it's really encouraging to go in-depth and have it affirmed. but moving on, we see here further "prescriptions"- be of peace and understanding, but do not hesitate to admonish those that are falling ("diagnosing the sick/injured body parts"). i could spend an entire entry on this topic (and i will add it to the to-do list if any of my readers.. all three? of them- want me to) but i want to really just sum it up here and mention this: it's okay for us to be frank, honest (perhaps sometimes even when it may hurt us, them, or both), and diagnostic/of good discernment/of good judgment (NOT judgmental/critical. dictionary.com if you don't understand the difference) of our FRIENDS and/or FAMILY but NOT our Body of believers? i think it's because we fear being called hypocrites. and we WILL be called hypocrites. people quite often get defensive when shown their ugly selves- i know i do! but we call these faults in others because- and this is the important one- WE WANT THEM TO BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME FOR US. FOR us. not TO us. the eye does not know it's gone missing unless the finger pokes around an empty socket, and the mouth tells the eyesocket. that was a bit of a grisly and slightly-off analogy, but you understand it i hope. the important thing is to always, always bring concerns up in the Body in the name of our L-rd Jesus the Christ and NEVER for reasons of malice, defensiveness, "keeping score", vengeance, etc. for these will lead to the defilement, infection, and eventual destruction of your heart.

"18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord."

well, i spent some time talking about this in a previous entry but just for a quick recap- wives, it's okay to trust your husbands. they love you, they care about you, and they want what's best for you, them, children (if any), pets (hah. kidding! well, 95% kidding), and MOST importantly the L-rd. i mean, that IS one of the reasons you married them, right? if not, well.. you've got to start off at a much more basic level :) (for you single lay-deez out there, don't marry a man you refuse to submit to- to fully trust in the name of Y'shua. i'm telling you now, it will really make things easier down the road). abandon your worries and trust the L-rd and your husband.

"19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. "

again, i previously touched upon this but i've been talking with a very, very dear friend of mine (female). she said the greatest fear of a woman's heart is abandonment. husbands, when you are harsh with your wives, or when they feel as if you do not love them, you have abandoned them. you have made their greatest fear come true. ALWAYS, ALWAYS ALWAYS make your wives feel loved, desired (not only physically but mentally, emotionally/romantically, and spiritually as well), and pursued. be sure to let her know that she is important to you, and that you are GLAD she's in your life. marriage is to be a BLESSING, not a curse- an enrichment, and one you would miss very, very much if it were not in your life.

"20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."

hoo, boy.
it took me 22 years to realize my parents were not the bad guys. (well, perhaps shorter than that if you factor in the lack of self-actualization and self-consciousness, the concept of parents, early childhood, etc. but bear with me)
in fact, once i moved out, i realized that my parents are pretty darn cool people. sure, my mom and i might not agree 100% and my dad might be a little geeky and aloof, but they did a pretty bang-up job of raising me through hell and highwater and i appreciate that. hindsight is 20/20, and i feel like any teenagers reading this are going "ew, my parents are ghey, whatevs" (that's how the kids talk these days, i'm told) but it's true- your parents are not your enemy. they just care an awful lot about you. sometimes it's really hard for them to be able to show it in a way for you to understand, though. why don't you take the time and show THEM that YOU care about them? this gives them an idea how THEY can show YOU how they care about you.

plus they have this whole "life-experience" thing that's really frickin' useful.

"21Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."
and mothers, too. don't think you get out of this.

let me tell you about myself. i hate organized sports. i think they're the most ridiculous, juvenile, incomprehensible waste of time. but you better believe that if my son wants to be on the football/soccer/baseball/etc. team, or my daughter wants to be on the softball/volleyball/etc. team (or hey! who knows, maybe even vice versa!), then i will want to come as often as possible to see my darling girl or my dear boy play. same goes with band, choir, etc.

if your children have dreams, challenge them. if your children have hopes, help them. if your children have a heart for the L-rd and a desire for good things, encourage them.

if your child desires unwise decisions, then do not flat out act with full ultimatums. compromise, seek understanding with them, help them understand your concerns. teenagers are pretty bright these days (even though they do some pretty stupid things), and taking the time to really get to know each others' stance can save plenty of heartache down the road. you DO, of course, get final say- but if your child grows bitter from your parenting methods, you may and most likely will lose your child(ren) to the Cynic's Death. speaking from experience, that is a very, very hard thing to overcome- and most never do.

"2Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 25Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism."

this, obviously, is not entirely culturally relevant. but an important note to take is slave, here, refers to a state slightly more restricted than indentured servant. slaves were usually treated very VERY well during these times. often even regarded as members of the family.
in fact, it was probably a much more preferred situation to be in than modern-day slaves- working for a temp agency, for example, where you are technically "sold" and treated as an "asset" rather than a human being (that's what was partly so atrocious about the early US slaveries, correct? funny how it's still happening, just has a different face...).

and with that, we're wrapped up. but the last step- the rinse and repeat- means let it soak in a while, roll it around in your mind, and meditate on it for the next couple of days or so. and always feel free to come back and review it, and repeat the whole thing over again. :)

POST-POST NOTES:

sometimes it's easier to understand the "context" of a chapter if you examine the history surronding the times- for instance, Colossians is a letter (supposedly by Paul. there is some argument that it is, and some that it is not. i don't care either way; it's excellent advice so i don't give two hoots who actually wrote it as long as it is sound with the will of the L-rd) to a church of believers. wikipedia is a great start to finding information on a book or chaper perhaps, and will hopefully also provide some challenging things for you to think about from critics.
context is also sometimes much easier gleaned by using different translations of the Bible. i usually use NIV; i understand it, i grew up with it, and it's pretty complete. sometimes i struggle with the language in it though (it IS- what, 50? years old or so) so i'll turn to the New Living Translation, or the Message, for a more culturally relative phrasing. alternatively, sometimes i feel the NIV "skimps" on some parts of the more poetic books- Psalms, Proverbs, Song of Songs/Solomon, etc. and for this i'll sometimes use KJV. the language is much more romantic and poetic in that translation.
outlining helps. it really, really does. and i hate outlines. so that says a lot.
MAKE TIME to read the Bible!

a. Colossians 3:4 Some manuscripts our
b. Colossians 3:6 Some early manuscripts coming on those who are disobedient

[1] a koan is a zen buddhist puzzle, not really intending to have a "true" answer but intended moreso for meditation and po
[2] remind me to post the taoist tale of the stonecutter, as it holds some minor relevance to the concept of oneness and unity.
[3] "G-d forbid"

"i'm forever Yours faithfully"

2009-01-12T17:49:00.003-05:00

[ "Faithfully" - Journey ]

WEWT! nikki seems to really like the jacket.

photos and a small write-up at the SwaP blog.

i encourage comments and feedback! anonymous comments are allowed. just no spamvertising or anything please. :)

i'll be working on some of the more in-depth entries tonight hopefully.

mars ain't no place to raise a kid- in fact, it's cold as hell

2009-01-09T17:16:00.004-05:00

mars ain't no place to raise a kid- in fact, it's cold as hell

the roads are slick
and mirror traffic signs
and headlights and
neon storefronts.

the buildings and houses
look strangely
alien at night;
out of place and invading
and welcome under pretenses
of cookies and milk

and i wake up abducted
in a
suburban split-level apartment
with my spaceship parked
outside and
the television on.

NOTE: title is a line from Elton John's "Rocketman"

barefoot in october

2009-01-09T17:05:00.003-05:00

barefoot in october

i like walking
on the warm, black asphalt
barefoot in october.

i like
the feeling of the gravel
and grit
getting stuck between my toes.

i like tripping
and taking a layer of skin off my feet

and i like skipping on the warm, black asphalt
amidst the stinging pain,
barefoot in october.

litany for unrepentants

2009-01-09T16:49:00.003-05:00

litany for unrepentants

hell is a
mobius Autobahn
and you must walk every
glass-and-rusty-nail-covered mile
barefoot and alone.

hell is waking up
in a sweat to a
cold, silent bedroom
with
no
body
around for miles.

hell is going to sleep
in a bed the size of a room
and a house the size of a country
and there is only your ego to share your pillow with.

NOTE: "hell" comes from the hebrew word "sheol", which means literally "grave". hell is not a place of literal fire and brimstone or some guy with horns and a pitchfork in red pajamas; it is a state of being purely alone with yourself for all eternity. it is death, separation from everything else but yourself. just you, yourself, and nothingness.

"if you need a friend, don't look to a stranger; you know in the end i'll always be there"

2009-01-07T18:23:00.005-05:00

[ "The Promise" - When in Rome ]

baruch Hashem.

that's all. :) too many little things buzzing around! i've been very busy with sewing (SO much, in fact, that i re-discovered my addiction/obsession to it! i even set aside a little blog to showcase/talk about projects: seamstress with a penis. it's a bit of an inside joke from a family get together over the holidays, but it's a plenty fun title i think and not meant to cause any offense. will post more once people receive the gifts i'm working on for them :) so keep an eye on that for upcoming stuff.

here's my blogging to-do; someone keep me accountable:

-~~i need to do an entry on how i approach and break down scripture (preferrably with an example chapter/selection. any suggestions? Col. 3~~)
-~~i need to finish and post those pieces i've got scrapped away in my notes~~ done for now!
-i'd like to do a general introduction to prayer- "how" people pray, what to pray about, why we pray, etc.

and i know if i don't jot them down here, i'll forget to write them. :)

"all the pictures are still on the shelf & you're barely making rent by yourself. your mom is worried for your health..."

2009-01-03T15:32:00.004-05:00

[ "Subway Home" - Casiotone for the Painfully Alone ]

it's been bitter cold out a bit as of late. today it's 36F though, so that's certainly a nice break. it's pretty sunny too! :) thank you, Hashem.

i went to dinner with my parents last night to a lovely little vietnamese restaurant of sorts. i forget what i ordered let alone pronounce it, but it was nommy.

as of late, i find myself listening to a lot of Cat Power, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, and the Mountain Goats. really excellent stuff, perfect for winter when you stare at the snow fall outside the window and the skies grow dim while it's still in the early evening with a nice glass of bourbon or somesuch and a book. and a pipe, perhaps.. wearing a robe and slippers. like some aging, retired oxford professor.

been spending most of my free time (protip note to self: "free time". two words. not one.) working on a gift for nik but i keep thinking of things i want to add to it! i'll be sure to get some photos up when i'm finished (if i ever do!) and i don't want to ruin the surprise! but i keep wondering if she'd like X or should i do Y instead, etc.

my appetite hasn't been what it normally is as of late. i'm not sure why, but i've just not been hungry. i hope i'm not sick!
but baruch Hashem, i'm getting my daily bread.

at work and my brain isn't in tip-top shape so that's all i've for now. :)

100% by volume

2009-01-01T16:27:00.002-05:00

100% by volume

since you've left, i've turn to alcoholism
as a rebound girlfriend.
we have each others' numbers in our phones

but she's disgusting
and a manipulative bitch, i'm sorry to say it,
and you were so much nicer.

since i drove away, i've taken to smoking
far, far too much
which you really have to make an effort to accomplish

since you can't smoke anywhere these days.

since you let go, i am letting go
of the precipice
and plummeting down to
where the tourists rent burros and
people take pictures.

notes: wrote this a couple months ago, actually. no, i'm not turning into an alcoholic. :) it's imagery, mostly. i don't really even bother buying alcohol; the most i have in my apartment is a bottle of knob creek bourbon and a tiny bit of jack daniel's whiskey. don't forget that G-d is a great superhero when you're falling into the void of loneliness.

what marriage should look like (pt. 1 of ?)

2009-01-01T16:02:00.005-05:00

"walked down to the corner store just before nightfall in my bare feet; black tarry asphalt, soft and hot."
[ "You or Your Memory" - The Mountain Goats ]

i don't really have the foresight to plan this "series" out or anything of the sort. even further confounding is whenever i sit down to talk about marriage, i honestly cannot stop thinking about the priest in The Princess Bride: "mawwiage... mawwiage is wot bwings us togetha today. "
right, onward.

i think husband and wife should sleep together. no, not in the "biblical sense" (although they definitely should! sex keeps a marriage healthy, happy, and intimate). i mean share the same bed. there is little else more comforting (and more soothing to insomnia) than having a body next to you, or in your arms, or an arm draped over you, or being wedged against, or what have you. mankind was not meant to sleep alone in general, i think; this is contrary to our desire and NEED for companionship, intimacy, physical contact. it gives an excellent feeling of security and general closeness.

one of my friends said she'd like to pray for her husband with her hand on his heart every morning. this is something i think every wife should do. this is something i want my wife (eem yirtze Hashem) to do for me.

for the husbands, i think they should take the time to romance their wife and spend time in the Spirit together- they should press their foreheads together and give thanks and praise to G-d. a man should pray for his wife as he holds her hand in the dark and sing her soft lullabies. he should pray for her when they're swinging on the swings at a playground together (because a couple should never lose childlike wonder). he should spell out cute nicknames for her and then wink at her as they play scrabble together. they should pray together when they have money troubles, and then go for a walk hand-in-hand and sing joyous songs. they should, climate permitting, have snowball fights. they should do the dishes together (one washes, the other dries). they should cook together.

but most of all, strangers should be able to see them and KNOW they are husband and wife, and in love with each other and G-d.

"i'll always be by your side, even when you're down and out"

2008-12-30T00:06:00.021-05:00

[ "By Your Side" - CocoRosie ]

so i've been meaning to get to this for the past four days or so but i've been foolishly putting it off due to whatever sort of excuse i have at the moment- work, fatigue, what have you. i'm quite sleepy at the moment, so i apologize beforehand if it's a bit unintelligible. :) it will, regrettably, be nowhere near comprehensive or complete so i'm really hoping to see some discussion on this.

i've been meaning to write something on Ephesians 5.

G-d is so good. that's a good way to start.

there are five basic sections to Eph. 5:

-Summary
-Commandment/Warning
-Ascension
-Methodology/Road Map
-Dedication (three parts- general, wives, and husbands)

(all citations from NIV unless otherwise specified)

SUMMARY
"1Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."
Ephesians 5:1-2

it's probably a bit odd to START a section with a summary, but there's a good reason. in biblical text, it's common practice to provide a sort of "thesis statement"- start with a statement on what should be and why/how it is done. that's not to say you can just read the first couple verses in a chapter or a stanza of a chaper and go "k done, got it"; rather, it's meant to give you an idea of what to expect. to use an analogy, it's like looking at a google maps satellite view of a place before you go there so you can know what to expect and how to prepare for it, and where it is in relation to where you are. as it should be incredibly painfully obvious to anyone who's even actually read the Bible, the biggest message of it is love. the entire core behind our existence, and the gospel of Y'shua Moshiach[1]

COMMANDMENT/WARNING
"3But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. 4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] 6Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7Therefore do not be partners with them."
Ephesians 5:3-7

nobody likes being told what to do. nobody likes being told they're wrong. myself included. as i read through this section, it's a cold, harsh, and loving (weird to see those words together, isn't it?) reminder of how short i fall. i am an impure, immoral, greedy person. boy, am i! i make plenty of coarse and obscene jokes, i have been known to cuss like a sailor, however, we are not to dwell on our shortcomings but rather meditate on the hope and freedom we have in Christ. further examining this, however, there's something really rather strange, exciting and new- it is the shephard warning the flock about the wolves. take special notice of the last two verses- G-d is straight up telling us "hey! there are people out there who want to- and will try very hard to- break you, lie to you, cheat you, steal from you, ruin your life! do not give trust to those outside of Me easily if at all." it's a pretty intense statement. can you imagine never being able to trust anyone who was outside of the true Spirit of the L-rd Almighty? your life would be changed radically. there is, between the lines, a reminder here as well- love others. just because someone does not have your blind faith in them or your unfaltering trust does not mean you cannot love them- in fact, sometimes it gets easier to love them. when someone breaks your trust, it's most certainly harmful (or at least makes an impact upon) their readiness to love you. imagine how hurt Hashem must be! we lie to His face boldly and loudly, yet He already knows the truth. yet His love is so perfect and so unending that there is always grace, there is always hope, and forgiveness is always available for the repentant heart. only by the Spirit, i was reminded by an amazing friend of mine recently, can we ever hope to be able to offer the same amount of true love.

ASCENSION
"8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
'Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.'"
Ephesians 5:8-14

this is really a pretty self-explanatory part; it's calling us to be higher than the imperfect beings we are (and again, we can only do this by the grace of G-d and by the Holy Spirit alive within us).

METHODOLOGY/ROAD MAP
"15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Ephesians 5:15-20

again, totally self-explanatory. G-d is saying "and THIS is how you can do what i want you to do above (ascend above the crap of the world)." by being in the Spirit with one another, and lifting each other up to Him. speak in scripture and words that bring glory to G-d. celebrate every chance you get- every single second you are alive is a gift from G-d and we all too often forget that "these lives are not our own"; we are only stewards not only of this planet but of ourSELVES, our bodies AND our lives. and, of course, there's the roadmap of being drunk on His Holy Spirit as opposed to wine (or in my case, dirty tennessee whiskey). ;) not too much to say there, except when you're immersed in the Holy Spirit, life can throw whatever it wants at you and it does not matter in the least because you know G-d is in control, and you're in tune and desire what He desires so everything else- insurance, job/money in general/finances, relationships, etc. they all have no power over you. it's really a wonderful thing.

DEDICATION

GENERAL
"21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."
Ephesians 5:21

because we are all belonging to G-d and not of our own selves, we are at the mercy and whim of His desire. here, he commands us to be in submission to one another in reverence to Y'shua. why? Y'shua lived his live in service to others through the will and gifts of the Holy Spirit- through love for them and love for G-d.

WIVES
"22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
Ephesians 5:22-24

i have a LOT to say on marriage- i've seen a LOT of marriages be hurt and damaged, and i've seen a handful that work the way they ought and keep love alive in each other by, through, and alongside love of G-d. this isn't going to be an entry on that. oh, believe me, that's DEFINITELY coming, but that will most likely be a doozy of one and i'll very likely need to make it a multi-part series which very most likely won't ever see an end because it's an incredibly vast, large, and involved subject which i have been blessed with wisdom on through others. you don't have to be married to know how marriages work, you just need to listen and watch. :)

what i AM going to focus on part is the concept of submission and respect as it's talked about in the last parts of Ephesians 5. it's a very, very controversial topic, as anyone can tell you). feminism is about equality, not about the feminine gender having MORE power/control/importance or the masculine gender having more submission than the feminine one, etc. (so take THAT and stick it and your SCUMM manifesto up your tailpipe, valerie solanas!)

that being said, at first glance this looks HUGELY imbalanced! but let's take a look at the New Living Translation for a bit of a more in-depth and modern contextual adaptation:

"22For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything."
Ephesians 5:22-24 NLT

take note here, it doesn't imply that the man is the center in the relationship. rather, it implies the strong anchor of the relationship between both husband/wife AND couple/G-d should be on the shoulders of the husband, and should be followed by the efforts of the wife. notice, also, that it only mentions man and wife and NOT man/woman. marriage is when two become one single entity- in a Christ-centered marriage, it is literally impossible for one to be greater than the other since they provide for, care for, and love each other by the grace and through G-d.

a simple example here would be sally and joe are married. joe has just been laid off, and has heard G-d calling him to move to a different state. sally, however, does not want to move; she's fond of this state for whatever reason(s)- friends, food, history, nostalgia, whatever. instead of praying and listening for G-d's will (she should be praying with her husband through this) she instead starts an argument, becomes defensive, etc.

this is a prime example of NOT submitting in the biblical context.

submission also largely depends on her husband, as well (women of the L-rd: don't yoke yourself to someone you wouldn't trust to submit to!). for instance, i personally would be pretty conservative in my requests of my wife. more on that later, though.

interestingly/alternatively, this had a lot of defenses of a more traditional viewpoint, all of which i felt were at the very least definitely important things to think about. i may not agree with all of the defenses, but it definitely provides a lot of good reasons why a more traditional stance is valid.

i know of at least one person who reads this in a Christ-centered marriage and i'd really love to get her comments on the whole topic of submission, so keep an eye out in the comments section on that.

HUSBANDS
"25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[c] 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
Ephesians 5:25-33

whew! and you thought the women had it rough with submission!

the main thing here, i think, is that Christ gave EVERYTHING for His Church (that's Church, not church- as in the community of believers, not the building/denomination). husbands, if you aren't prepared for that sacrifice for your wives, well... you're in trouble. :) it's important for husbands to define roles, and most of all to be creative with new ways on how to bring the family together both to each other and to G-d.

i think of it this way- the husbands are the heads, and the wives are the shoulders/neck. the heads NEED the shoulders/neck for support and a base- a head without shoulders or a neck is really not much to brag about. likewise, with no head the shoulders/neck have no direction and doesn't know which way to turn the body. i really feel that analogy sums up what i'm attempting to explain and failing miserably at.

it warns husbands to love and cherish and be prepared to sacrifice for your wives, i think that has a direct result on the types of requests and expectations you'd make of your wife.

i think i can really sum up the requests of my wife's submission in a couple basic things:

1. love the L-rd our G-d before me. always.
2. love no other (hu)man before me/no infidelity (well, if we had children, that'd be a bit of a grey area obviously. ;) it's definitely a different kind of love and a very important kind of love, so that kind of disqualifies itself from this one)
3. equal involvement in chores/children/each other etc.
4. if you doubt, pray with me and talk it through. i vow to listen to your concerns, and you must vow to listen to my concerns.

that's really pretty much all there is to what i'd ask my wife to submit to. not really that big a deal, pretty standard i'd think.

it is now 0630, i'm exhausted, and i was supposed to have this posted days ago. so i'm drawing it to a close here and super-hoping for discussion to continue in the comments section.

peace, love, joy, and wisdom in your life eem yirtze Hashem.

baruch Hashem; amen.

[a] Ephesians 5:5 Or kingdom of the Christ and God
[b] Ephesians 5:26 Or having cleansed
[c] Ephesians 5:31 Gen. 2:24

[1] hebrew, "Jesus Christ"- Christ is, contrary to popular belief, NOT a last name but rather a title. from the greek Khristos, literally meaning "the Anointed One", it means Saviour. the hebrew word for Saviour is Moshiach- "Messiah".

"...don't let the walls cave in on you..."

2008-12-18T14:28:00.005-05:00

["Where's Your Head At?" - Basement Jaxx]

be peace, be love- be what you want from others.
it is in the strength the L-rd our G-d that we can do this.

pray for me when you get the chance. i'm in the middle of a five-day fast[1] and praying pretty heavily because there are a lot of exciting things going on in my life- i'm trying to move out of the apt by feb., and now that new orleans is a very real enticement to move to, i am greatly considering that. i'm praying for things to develop possibly into marriage, etc. eem yirtze Hashem[2]. all very wonderful and powerful and bizarre yet beautiful things that i pray to use to lift His will and to encourage and enrich the lives and love of the people around me.

it's a somewhat easy fast but i've a pretty intense metabolism; i'm starting to feel the effects of it- hunger, lust for food, slight weakness, slight light-headedness/distraction, and sacrifice (see last post).

in fasting (at least for me) it's never that difficult to not eat. your body hardly even notices after the first day. rather, it's smelling the food around you, seeing it, seeing others eat it and the temptation- people offering you food, and you almost embarrassingly confessing you can't eat (it does open great doors to dialogue with people though). or even worse, those getting angry because you're not eating. the first time i fasted for thanksgiving..three? years ago now, i think- and sat at the table with the rest of my relatives with the feast spread out in front of me, my eyes as wide as the empty plate in front of me and salivating enough to fill my glass of water to the left.. some family members joked about it- perhaps mockingly, perhaps just out of fun- and that's one of the hardest parts. you start to wonder "why am i doing this? just a little food couldn't hurt..." but something stops you (if you've been embracing the enhanced awareness that the fast brings)- you remember you're giving a sacrifice. you are burning one of your most prized lambs at the altar so you may kiss the feet of G-d and praise Him, and thank Him for all you have, and all He wants for you.

there's a bit of a taboo against talking about fasting and the experiences you're having. i think that's largely due to an overzealous interpretation of Matthew 6:16-18 (NIV)...

16"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 17But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

but let's examine this. it doesn't say "don't talk about fasting" or "don't share your experience" (after all, others will not be able to care for you properly if that were the case). rather, it's referring to the nasty habit some pharisees would have of tearing their clothes, putting chalk on their faces, etc. when they fasted- and they would fast two days a week- in a desire for religious appearances and for the sake of religion, not to actually commune with the L-rd. you can read more info on that in the first link below.

if you're interested in fasting, i invite you to look around on the web. in particular, there's some good info here and here.

RELIGION DESTROYS;
CHRIST SAVES.

[1] day three. it's not a "dry" fast though- drinking liquids, and it ends at 2300 and begins again at 0400 each day. closer to jewish fasting a la passover (normally sun-up to sun-down) but i extended it because it's winter here in the northeast US, and the days are super short.

[2] "G-d willing", hebrew. literally, "the will of The Name"- it's considered disrespectful amongst some jewish circles to write, say, refer to, etc. any of G-d's true names. which is why you'll see me say "gods" if i'm talking about, say, greek mythology but "G-d" if i am talking about the one true god, the G-d of Yisro'el, of Abraham, etc. you'll notice me use a fair bit of hebrew and greek, but that's because i just plain love the languages and sometimes, something is best said in hebrew.

"...i can gather all the news i need on the weather report. hey, i've got nothing to do today but smile..."

2008-12-16T17:02:00.004-05:00

["The Only Living Boy in New York" - Simon & Garfunkel]

SACRIFICE.

G-d's really been speaking to me so much lately; i love it.

today He told me to read from Malachi.

Malachi 1:13-14, NIV
13 ..."When you bring injured, crippled or diseased animals and offer them as sacrifices, should I accept them from your hands?" says the LORD. 14 "Cursed is the cheat who has an acceptable male in his flock and vows to give it, but then sacrifices a blemished animal to the Lord. For I am a great king," says the LORD Almighty, "and my name is to be feared among the nations.

at first when you or i read this, we may say to ourselves, "what's the big deal? it's just some animal you're slaughtering and burning on an altar, who cares if it has spots or not?"

as with many things from the Old Testament, a bit of contextual and holistic understanding go a long way with examining this. livestock value was, at this point in history, based on not only quantity and quality (health, amount of meat, etc.) but also aesthetics- any spots or other markings, missing limbs, etc. would all devalue the price a certain stock unit would fetch for.

so. how is this relevant?

people were sacrificing the less choice, less preferred offerings to the L-rd our G-d because they they were greedy- they wanted to brag of their wealth to their neighbours, "see; see how many flawless and unspotted lambs i have!" instead of giving it to G-d. G-d, understandably, is pretty pissed at that- He is the one thing that matters, the Holy L-rd of EVERYTHING, and you can't afford to give up your best cattle for him?

we still do this. "look at my car!" "look at my stereo system!" "look at my house!"
instead, we should concern ourselves with more permanent things- like owing G-d His dues. i don't just mean monetarily, either. i've been guilty of watching too much (FAR too much) TV, wasting time when i could instead be studying scripture, communing with G-d, fellowship with other believers, etc. and paying G-d the best of my resources, the cream of the crop.

THAT is what sacrifice is all about. it doesn't have to be painful, but it certainly shouldn't be comfortable or easy.

"...if rain won't change your mind, let it fall. the rain won't change my heart at all..."

2008-12-16T01:07:00.006-05:00

["It's Only Time" - The Magnetic Fields]

so i just got back from a trip to NOLA (new orleans, la).

highlights of the trip include eating rabbit & sausage jambalaya, missing a ferry ride (was closed) but catching a BEAUTIFUL sunset instead (the moon looked absolutely HUGE) and listening to a man talk about the Blues, sitting and reading Isaiah and praying while smoking my pipe in the park in BEAUTIFUL weather, a possibly brain-damaged kitten which was the cutest most snuggleable thing in the world, a roller derby match (!!!), jackson square, the french quarter, the freret st. market (freretstivus!), a kitschy but still cute holiday... thing, got to go to church (FINALLY! been too long since that happened), ahhh so much. so good!

but above and beyond all, and the entire reason i went down there, i met my penpal (and deep friend) of ten years, nikki.

it was magical. she's a lovely friend and incredibly charming, witty, intelligent, an incredible writer, absolutely beautiful, and most importantly she adores Jesus, our Christ. she has such a heart for those in need, it's an incredibly beautiful thing. we had lunch with her parents on sunday, and they were absolutely captivating. they're good people, they raised a wonderful daughter. she and they should be proud of this (although, all good in us is from G-d, so they can't take TOO much credit :).

i also met very interesting people- jac, whom i've known allllmost as long as i have nik.. and karrie, who reminds me of some sort of comic book superhero despite her tiny stature, matt and jen (whom i am incredibly indebted to, as they let me use their apartment-esque third floor to stay in while i was down there). there are many others, but that's just a testament to the strange nexus of wonderful happenings that occur in NOLA.

i fell in love with that city; moving down there is now somewhere in my five-year plan.

it felt for the first time in a very long while (maybe even my entire life) as if i were finally home.

"...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..."

2008-12-15T14:40:00.001-05:00

["Closing Time" - Semisonic.... wow, i'm really showing my age]

so i decided to start using blogger/blogspot. i'm hopping on the bandwagon, onoes!

that's a shame; i really liked my wordpress because of all the plug-ins. PLUS they have an OSS'd (i think) engine behind it. i think i'll use that blog for linux-y things considering there's plenty of that going on in my life. har.

ANYWAYS.

just wanted this here as a placeholder. i've been thinking a bit and have some ideas for entries i'd really like to write.